Mop-Up RAW 05.14.01
By Hyatte
Mop-Up RAW
Props on the Torch
Well, you TRIED to be funny at least. I can't blame you for trying. Now, go read Hyatte or something and learn what funny is. Then, you can do parodies and stuff. Until then, you're as bad an amateur comedian as Mitchell, AND THAT'S BAD! Anyway, stick with the news, okay?
Dino New York City, N.Y. explaining to Keller that his attempts at funny material blows. Thanks Dino.
Getting schooled
ITS: Singular possessive, IT'S: Contraction of "it is", THERE: Something referred to
THEIR: Plural possessive, THEY'RE: Contraction of "they are", YOUR: Possessive,
YOU'RE: Contraction of "you are"
It is a shame that a writer needed this e-mail.
Name withheld by request
And of course...
You use to be cool now I'm not sure anymore I'm thinking that you must be getting a complex of some kind really its scary. I mean the comic book recap was kind of cool and you totally blew it this week now I'm starting to think that maybe its time for you to step out of the picture cause well its just not funny anymore. The recap that is Wrestling is about done as a main stream thing and its because there is no more magic there. but still at least the comic thing was the first original funny thing you wrote in oh I do not know 6 months. Anyway flame me like you do everyone else at the begin of your recap that just shows how much of an ass you have become. I mean at least when the Rick f**ks up he admits it and goes on.
GrimxxLock@aol.com
Okay.... there you go. I'm an ass!
When does "The Rick" admit to doing ANYTHING wrong?
Well, I'm Chris and this is the Hyatte. Things to do... things to DO. Including some late breaking news and an explanation and a disappointment in a certain person.... and well... why keep selling it, idiot? Just get GOING.
First, my old Canadian website. The parody deal. This past weekend, someone sent me a message found on their board from the former NoSux who wondered why I was angry at him to begin with. I responded to the guy who sent it to me, and invited him to post it, if he wished. He did. A few hours later, no doubt after he had time to carefully scrutinize my message and come up with the ideal response, the Vagina posted it and responded. I got him to fire off at me again after sitting quiet like a battered wife for so long. A little later, he even REVISED his message (he knew I'd goof on him if he didn't admit to revising it) to add more to his rage. Of course, he blamed his "boss" for editing him (this, of course, came AFTER he accused me of having no balls to build my own site.... obviously, neither has he yet... unless he's ready to admit that he is Ashley and Ashley is him). Fully enjoying taking it to him in his own home, I had the reader fire off ANOTHER message. This one even more pointed and nasty. Well, he decided that he didn't want to get bitchslapped on his own message board.... so he called this thing "over" and banned all talk about me on his board. Hey, it's his choice. his prerogative. It's his site, well... NO IT ISN'T... but he can do whatever HE (his Boss) wants. Bitch.
People may wonder why I keep on him? Well, it's easy. See, for three years, he and his little "dudes" have created this image of them as "internet badasses" who everyone is afraid of. They'll talk and talk and talk about how they made Al Isaacs freak out, how they thoroughly embarrassed Bob Ryder, how everyone is afraid of getting their asses kicked by them. Well, I'm just doing what no one else even tried to do before. I'm standing up to them and firing back.... calling THEM out....and they run away. Declare "fight over", and start revising all messages so they don't look too bad.
Bad ass... yeah. You are a COWARD. A gutless COWARD. That's it and that's all. Little Coward.
Beg me for forgiveness and I'll stop bothering you. Until then, I'll keep dancing off your "one editorial" forever and ever... hell, Scaia didn't even give me that much and it ain't stopping me.
Next tale.
I go to message boards from time to time (more now since I include select quotes in my News column). While checking out the old Rantsylvania board, I saw that a few people wanted "AAT" on the site. I was flattered.
So, a few weeks ago, after they switched names, I suggested to their web master, Jeremy Botter that I do a piece for them. See, a certain guy whom I had a some history with had shanghaied the old RS site and sent all traffic to his own. Of course, Botter was pissed, just like all the other writers were, I imagine. I suggested to Botter that the piece be a "farewell" to that certain guy, once they had their site all set up and away from any influence he might have had. In fact, I suggested it to Greg Dillard first who passed it on to Botter. Botter was very enthusiastic about the prospect. This was about 5-6 weeks ago.
A couple of weeks ago, I thought it would be a cool idea to syndicate AAT to their site. My reasoning is that the Internet wrestling audience is shrinking along with the wrestling audience on TV. Our audience IS shrinking.... netwide. I asked around. So, I thought that maybe AAT could be a bridge between the two sites. The more established 411 and this newish site that really, only had one big writer. Scott Keith. Plus, I am proud of my AAT's and want them to reach the widest audience possible. I suggested it to Botter. He said he loved the idea. He also said Scott Keith approved of the idea. Of course, being Canadian, Keith can't love anything but himself, so his "approval" was the best response one could hope for.
For the kickoff syndicated column, I said that the first AAT would be a "site-exclusive" piece to the Smarks, and it would be a deviation from what AAT is usually about. It would be about the guy I spoke of earlier. My plan was to speak for the entire site and say, once and for all, goodbye to him. It was nothing if not ironic.... and Lord knows I am a total slave to irony.
Well, I wrote it. Submitted it late Friday night/Saturday morning. It was posted on Monday. I told them all to read it and make sure it's acceptable. After all, I was speaking for THEM. I was trying to convey that the site is moving on without HIM anymore and he is no longer welcomed. I guess it passed muster, because they promoted it, teased it, and posted it on Monday.
I got a lot of reaction. A lot of it (but not all) negative, but it stirred talk. Botter told me that most of the readers liked it. I answered all the flame mails politely, promising that this was a one shot deal and from here on out, they will approve of the subject matter in AAT. Botter tells me that almost ALL of the writers loved the piece and approved of the syndication.
Almost all.
Okay.... this is the part where I talk about how Scott Keith decided to drop the idea and throw me out.... but cooler heads prevailed and late Wednesday morning, Jeremy Botter told me that he changed his mind and it was a go again. Apparently, he thought ALL my AAT's would be like what my first one was (obviously, when I say that everyone reads me, yet refuse to admit it... SK is the one guy who really doesn't.)
Close.... they were so close to reading a totally different opener here.... you have no idea.
So.... check out The Smarks for a "bonus" AAT. And let's all see how long I last.
I hope I'm there for a while, just so long as part of the deal is that I don't have to be subject to any more comedy lessons from "Mr. JF". Oy.
It's silly, but AAT rocks and I want everyone to know it. It could be HUGE to readers who aren't familiar with me. Thanks to Botter and everyone else for trying to get some sense in his head. (oh... all this deleting.... I'm cutting myself harder than Remy Artiaga EVER did)
Okay... quick plugs and we'll get to it.
I have a NEW "AAT" for you that did not show up on the Smarks. It's a 411 exclusive. A step by step breakdown and guide to writing your own web column. It's fun to take a breather away from serious wrestling talk and deal with other aspects of the business. Next week, I'm back to hard wrestling. For this week, stick your tongue in your cheek and watch for the mini-twist ending.
I am also determined to finish the four part series that the Bonus Mop-Up is about. So part three is posted. Read it, or don't. This is one of those cases where I really don't care.
The Closer is some new gimmick suggestions for Indy workers. You'll get a kick out of one or two... or ALL!!! (highly doubtful. It sorta sucks this week)
Oh, and thanks to everyone who sent me ways to get rid of pop-up ads. I went with this one. It's cool because you get a little lightbulb on your task bar, and a choice of sounds that go off when a Pop-Up ad is eliminated. I use the "Flushing Toilet" wav.
Sadly, for phone line scrubs like me, there is still a lengthy pause while the program aces out the ad, but the sense of EMPOWERMENT makes up for the wait. I have been known to scream, "F**K YOU, SCHERER" whenever I hear the toilet flush.
FINALLY.... I talked Widro into this. I want to run a weekly "Guest Columnist" feature here at 411. YOU people send me a column. I'll take the best one and post it in an exclusive column here on 411. Only send it to me.... I'm the editor for this here. Anyone, and I mean ANYONE can submit ONE column apiece to me. If I see some real talent, I'll talk to Widro about getting someone with consistently good articles a full time column assignment. It'll be fun.
Just don't write what you THINK I would like. Write from your heart.... about anything wrestling. I'm not sure what I am looking for, so long as it's good. I'd love it if some "known" web writers submitted something, but they are all too fu**ing cool for their own loser ass good.
The winner gets his column, and a plug in the News... and a plug here... especially if Ashish should make his triumphant return.
Wow.... I'm all set with the openers. I'm sure I lost most of you by ragging on the cowards. But, the good news is that I have finally said everything I have to say on a certain lad from Toledo. You will never see me talk about him ever again.
SCAIA SUCKS!!!
(eh... why not?)
RAW IS WAR (or: It's getting harder and harder to defend this)
-Miami Vice ends with a suicide.... witnessed by Philip Michael Thomas. Were he a reflective sort, he may very well be watching this scene at home right now and muse, "alas and with the fate of that trader of the hideous root, so doth goeth the fate of my career!"
-somehow, I doubt PMH is all that reflective.... or clairvoyant.... or shakespearean.
-end credits.
-WWF One World: Millions flock to Mars
-Footage from Smackdown, where the Undertaker goaded Steve Austin, then he and Kane made him RUN AWAY LIKE A GIRL!!!!!
-You know what sucks... they way they abandoned everything Austin was about, all those years of building his bad ass character... they just threw it away overnight and made him into the "typical heel". No one even thought to gibe his persona some uniqueness. It's tragic, really.
-actually, tragic is my current sex life.... this is just plain FOOLISH.
-actually, foolish is
-opening theme.
-Oh my God... a grown man is crying because he was selected to compete on The Price is Right.... what is WRONG with you people?
-Jim Ross welcomes us to Cincinnati, Ohio. Where black men and white men stand side by side holding up signs! One sign reads, "KILL WHITEY!!" Another sign reads, "UP YOUR'S, N-WORD" (Cincy's so clean, even their SIGNS try to be politically correct).... MY GOD, CALL THE NATIONAL GUARD!!! CALL LES NESSMAN!!! THEY'RE GOING TO RIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-No, IT'S A RIOT OF LOVE!!!! IT'S A RIOT OF LOVE FOR WRESTLING!!! VINCE MCMAHON HAS ACHIEVED CITYWIDE PEACE!!! NEXT STOP: WORLD HUNGER!!!!!!!
-Sign spotted reading, "SPANK ME CHYNA".... f-ing creep... I KNEW none of you losers could resist the easy temptation.
-Ross doesn't use the word "extreme" to introduce Paul Heyman. God knows Ross doesn't want to be repetitive.
-Steve Austin comes out... Ross screams, "THE RATTLESNAKE IS FIXIN' TO WHIP SOMEONE LIKE A GOV'MENT MULE!!! BUSINESS IS ABOUT TO PICK-UP!!" (*sigh)
-Triple H comes out with Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. That's her CHARACTER'S name. Her REAL LIFE name is Stephanie McMahon. We badly need Russo back. You KNOW this, right?
-By the way, if you go to wcw.com, you get a big picture of Shane McMahon.
-If you go to wcw.org, you get the "War Criminals Watch" site.
-I'm amazed that some drunk hick didn't call the Simon Weisenthal center and said, "We got us a real life Nazi running pro rasslin'! Get'cher Jew ass to Connecticut and arrest that boy!"
-Austin spots a sign that read, "AUSTIN BLOWS MCMAHON" He pointed his finger and delivered some harsh words to that boy.
-Jeers: Stephanie forgot her wonderbra again.
-Cheers: Stephanie appears to rub her nips with ice cubes before stepping out.
-Steph picked up the mic and introduced her husband. Now, she is trying to sell herself as a Heel wife of a Top Heel, yet still show that she is "Daddy's Little Girl". Let's see how she does?
-Voice high and nasally.... to turn up the "annoy the hell out of the crowd" factor. Good.
-Use of her free hand, pointing to herself on "MY", then weaving to HHH on "HUSBAND".... because the audience needs the reminder.
-Outraged/shocked/appalled look on her face when the audience boos.
-Shift back to cheerful mode as she goes right back to the introduction.
-Hmmph.... at this point, were it not for her name, I doubt she could find acting work on Public Access.
-HHH took the mic, and proceeded to run down Kane. Crowd chanted "ASSHOLE".... HHH paused and said, "It won't take but a second for us to come out there and kick all your asses."
-camera finds the one idiot in the building with his fists up screaming, "COME ON!!! COME ON!!!"
-He said that he has to finish the job at Judgment Day. He gave Kane an Inter-Continental title shot. He even added a stip and made it a "Chain Match". Ross, "A ch.... a CHAIN MATCH!?!?!?
-HHH invited Kane to come out and accept the challenge.
-Austin jumped in and said that "that sonafabitch ain't gonna come down that ramp".... then he repeated himself because the SCRIPT WAS SO DAMN GOOD!!!!
-It was Austin's turn to run down the Undertaker. Pausing a moment to tell the entire eastern side of the building, "I'LL KNOCK THE HELL OUT OF EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YA'!!"
-camera finds the same idiot, RUNNING to that side of the building, fists up, screaming, "COME ON!!! COME ON!!!"
-Austin had an idea. How about he and Triple H defend their tag team titles against Undertaker and Kane "right here, in Cincinnati!" Pop from the crowd.... what a LOUSY heel he is.
-Austin says, "You cheer as if you are proud of living in this cesspool?" Boo from the crowd. He still makes a LOUSY heel.
-How can Cincy NOT be proud? Their cops shoot all the black people.
-Austin threw out the challenge... big sign that reads, "DILLON IS GOD!" JJ DILLON? SINCE WHEN????
-The Undertaker came out. He's got a chain around his neck and a mic around his fist (err... reverse those last two nouns). I don't know which was more scary.
-UT put the mic to his lips and said that it was awfully loud in here.... well, FIRST, he said, "You knowww".... then he asked if Austin just called him a COWARD (No, *I* called someone else a "coward".... because he is.... a spineless, Canadian COWARD.)
-UT offered to "get this straight for you right now".... then reached down into his pants. NO, FOR GODSAKES, DON'T!!!
-He said he was NOT a "coward".... he was just a man looking for someone brave enough to fight him.
-Austin is so full of crap, his eyes are starting to turn brown. Austin was PISSED. So was I... who WRITES this shit?
-UT redeemed himself.... advising Austin to go to Church next Sunday and give his soul to the "Lord".... because "your ass belongs to ME!!!" (technically, doesn't the Lord already own our souls? Aren't we just "borrowing" them? And if we F-them up too much, Satan gets them. Isn't that how it works?)
-UT addresses Triple H.... accepting the challenge on behalf of his brother Kane. He told HHH that "It's ON!" (uh oh.... is Kane going to write a nasty EDITORIAL on HHH????? LOOK OUT NOW!!!!)
-F-It.... UT agreed to the tag match tonight too.
-To seal the deal, the post explosions went off.... Kane jumped in from behind. Heel House was cleaned. UT swung the chain NOWHERE REMOTELY IN THE VICINITY of Austin, yet somehow missed.
-Bizcut played... the Dead Men celebrated.
-I don't care what anyone says... THE UNDERTAKER IS COOL, PERSONIFIED!!!
-backstage, William Regal watched this with a snooty look on his face. Kurt Angle entered. He wants to know why he is fighting Rikishi tonight and not Benoit. He cracked me up by saying, "If Benoit shoved my Olympic Medals up Rikishi's butt, I'm gonna..."
-Regal assured him that the medals were NOT up there. (They might smoosh his ham sandwich) He told Angle to teach Rikishi a lesson tonight for "besmirching" young Stephanie last week. (Oh like she's never had a little fat ASS in her face before?? ANYONE REMEMBER "GOLGA"???? I ain't saying anything.... just.... REMEMBER GOLGA?????)
-Regal said that if Angle makes Rikishi PAY tonight, then he can name any sort of stipulation for his match against Benoit at JD. Angle promises snapped ankles.
-commercials TNN asks, "What did you like best about Miami Vice?" That it's canceled!
-Rikishi came out. yes, this is the baby face that WILL SAVE THE WWF!!!!
-Kurt Angle comes out. One wonders why he sometimes has the shoulder straps up on his singlet, and sometimes he doesn't? One wonders why one would actually devote energy to wondering about that. One wonders if one is a homo. One wonders if the one wondering about the one who may be a homo knows that he really is a homo and is concealing it through hate and vile and venom?
-Angle takes down Rikishi. Ihsikir lumbers up and congratulates Angle on the greco-style catch-as-catch can clinic. Either that, or he's congratulating Angle on how big his pecker is. (That thing is just POKING through his tights)
-Clothesline, Thrust kick, clothesline. Angle's out of the ring.
-Let's see where he hurt his.... it looks like Rikishi hurt his shoulder when he gave Angle a belly to belly suplex. Not exactly one of the sport's riskiest moves.
-Anyway.... he yelled something to the ref... hi tech mic work brought out Regal to put a stop to things. I think Ross made the call there. I'm sure he has a special emergency button or something so he can control the match if needed.
-Angle tossed in an Olympic Slam, just for kicks.
-Ross announced that there is a BREAKING STORY backstage!! (WHAT???? BUT I'M WATCHING THIS TWO DAYS LATE!!!! WHAT KIND OF MIDNIGHT NEWS REPORTER AM I???? OH GOD, I SUCKSUCKSUCK!!!)
-Oh, right.... I'm the kind who just steals news from other sites (and CREDIT THEM). Nevermind.
-Got a nice e-mail from a guy thanking me for plugging the article that connected Stern and Jackie Martling with McMahon and Lawler. I'm sure that any extra visitors they got was from Scherer, tho'
-The Coach announced that the Cincy police had arrived in the building and were looking for the Undertaker. Coachman then excused himself to go hide in a bathroom stall. (A black guy + Cincinnati + Police = FEETS DON'T FAIL ME NOW!!!)
Mop-Up RAW 05.14.01
By Hyatte
-Trish Stratus was ready for something.
-This Sunday, at 10 am, on WWF Superstars, on TNN.... they will feature exclusive footage of Mick Foley being the "Guest Principal for a Day" at a school for the physically and mentally challenged. Because God knows.... after a hard Saturday night of partying, boozing, snorting, injecting, and humping some slut until her ears bleed.... you WANT to be up by 10 am to watch Foley talk to retarded kids.
-will this be clean footage? Or will they toss in the scenes where Foley is constantly changing his shirts from all the drool?
-Will they show the scene where Foley flashes back to his WCW days and starts screaming into the intercom, "Sting, when you look into the eyes of the Black Scorpion, YOU SEE YOURSELF!!!!!!" The whole building erupted in tears.
-how come 411 doesn't have a Superstars recapper?
-how come NO site has one?
-Crash Holly grabs Molly Holly and says, "KEEP AWAY FROM SPIKE DUDLEY!!!" Molly responded, "Dude, I used to do three ways with Randy Savage and Gorgeous George... I can handle this little freak."
-Lita was getting ready for something.
-Dean Malenko, Perry Saturn, and Eddie Guererro all discuss this new angle Eddy’s in, and how it will affect the Radicalz. Saturn warned, "Don't make me angry, Eddie! You know what happens when I get... ANGRY!!" Malenko coughed up a glob of phlegm.
-Trish came out. She announced that Vince McMahon will NOT approve of what she's about to do. (err... sell new WWF merchandise? FIRE HER!!! FIRE HER NOW!!!!!!)
-After playfully teasing the audience.... and flashing her too damn white... (she's been adding sperm to her toothpaste. Sperm really whitens teeth. Don't ask me how I know. I just do. I SAID SHUT UP!!
-I DO NOT HAVE PECKER BREATH!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!
-This was all a segue to a mini-WWF Diva video. Where Trish, Chyna, Lita, Debra, and Terri Runnels (in a cameo) get in on the act.
-Debra? Ain't she a wee bit old? This might be just to keep a certain worseHeelthaneven Goldberg rip-off happy.
-Fun interplay as Heyman acted too speechless to say anything, so Ross cut in and sold the video. Heyman put the tape in his jacket. They played up the humor.
-Coachman was FORCED back into the open and stood at the UT's locker room. Suddenly, UT charged out with his gear and ran like hell. I SWEAR I heard him mutter to Coachman, "I SWEAR, she said she was 19!!" Holy Crap... RUN MEAN MARK!!!! RUN LIKE THE WIND AND DON'T STOP UNTIL YOU ARE EATING TACOS ON THE BEACHES OF BAJA!!!!! RIDE SAFE, YOU STATUTORY BREAKING BASTARD!!! RIDE SAFEEEEE!!
-A Cincy plain clothes detective chased UT briefly.... pondered drawing out his gun.... decided that the city is in enough hot water as it is. (Who knew Cincy was so trigger happy, anyway? I bet Ken Griffey Jr has something to do with it!)
-commercials
-here's a nice, comfortable moment. Coachman talked to the Cincy detective. Who said that the UT's wife was in some horrible car accident. The Detective gave Coachman the eyeball. Coachman uses his free hand lightly when he speaks. The Dick is cautious of this hand and reaches slowly inside his jacket... The Dick asks Coach if he has some ID. Coach begins to sweat. Coach looks past the Dick and screams, "HEY LOOK, AL SHARPTON!!!" The Detective SWINGS around, hand inside his jacket. he screams, "WHERE??? WHERE IS HE??? FREEZE, AL!!!"
-Coachman uses the distraction to run. He took off so fast the microphone actually hovered in the air for a good second before gravity asserted itself and pulled it down. The Dick turned around.... getting pissed. Someone yelled "BACK TO JR.... NOW!!!"
-The Hardy Boyz came out. Ross treated the UT wife accident with the same tone he used on the night Owen died.
-Then Ross broke out in tears over the time UT's wife playfully pulled down his trunks while they were in the swimming pool.
-The Radicalz came out in force.
-They played Eddie's music after the fact.... miscue?
-Eddie was in their corner. Saturn and Malenko did the work.
-Am I nuts or does Saturn now look like a bald Scott Steiner from the neck up?
-Am I nuts or was that the dumbest, most obvious statement I've ever written?
-The match moved on swimmingly. Saturn picked up a chair and was ready to use it. Eddie yanked it out of his hand. Saturn took a "Twist of Fate" and was pinned. Eddie then decided to chair both Malenko and Saturn. The Hardyz both agreed that Eddie was "one of THEM now". Wishful thinking, ya' fags.... Eddie may be Mexican and all.... but it ain't THEM he's innerested in. Booyaa.
-Austin stops the Detective and congratulated him for keeping Cincy "a nice place to live in! If you know what I mean" The Dick, "Oh yeah, I know what you mean". They shared winks... they chuckled to each other. The sieg heiled each other.... dear God.... WHEN WILL GEORGE W DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS?? WHEN POKEY REESE IS ROASTED LIKE A PIG IN THE MIDDLE OF DOWNTOWN?????
-commercials
-a couple of ballplayers from the Arizona Diamondbacks are in the building. Neither of them is named "Randy Johnson". Thus, Ross didn't bother telling us who they were.
-Randy Johnson.... he better thank his lucky stars he's in the National League.... because the American League belongs to PEDRO!!!!!!!!
-SAY GOOD BYE TO THE CURSE!!!! THE RED SOX ARE YOUR WORLD CHAMPIONS!!!! BOOYAAAAAAA!!!
-Rhyno decimated Crash.... and used Spike Dudley to do it. Spike and Crash fought afterwards.
-William Regal stopped Kane from leaving the building to tell him that he'll have to fight Austin and HHH alone tonight. Kane was angry. Kane has yet to show any other emotion other than anger. Still makes him a better actor that Stephanie.
-commercials.
-Edge and Christian came out. When can we get a nice, juicy 30 second pose again? Jesus.... WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FUN!!! WHEN DID THE WWF LOSE IT'S SMILE????
-Chris Benoit came out with his medals. Possession is 9/10ths, people.
-Jericho comes out.
-The match got going. No monkey business.... wrestling is SERIOUS, DAMMIT!!!
-oh, what I wouldn't give for a good blowjob from a transvestite.
-ON THE SHOW!!! ON THE SHOW!!! I'M ALL MAN, DAMMIT!!!!
-Now why can't they put Edge and Christian in a program with Austin and HHH? It would work!
-See, everyone else would scream about putting Benoit and Jericho in with the two heels... I went the other way. This is why I am the King.
-The match went along nicely. Solid stuff. Christian tossed a pair of chairs in their. they went for the "Conchairto" on Jericho. They missed. Benoit nailed them with a double dropkick. (yeah, he made a clone of himself and together, they dropkicked the two.... YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!).
-Angle ran out and grabbed his medals. He ran back up the ramp and laughed at Benoit.
-meanwhile, Jericho pinned one of them and scored the win.
-Benoit grabbed a mic and said, "Hey Angle! Kurt Angle!" (how many "Angles" were in the building, anyway?). He said that he liked those medals... they were really sweet. (uh oh... is he about to rhyme?)
-"Those medals, in fact. Are good enough to eat!" (oh, shoot him.... shoot him NOW.... better yet, shoot ME!)
-Turns out those medals were chocolate. Which weighs exactly the same as gold.... no wonder Angle didn't notice.
-Benoit took an EXTRAORDINARILY long time reaching into his pants, while Jericho watched with a smile (ewww.... EWWWWW)
-Benoit mumbled, "Just let me.... *grunt* move this aside...." Jericho smacked his lips. (Oh scre... I MEAN THE HELL with this... I'm out of here!)
-commercials
-During the break, Angle yelled at Cole, "THOSE ARE MY MEDALS!! MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE!!" (why on earth does he want them back NOW??)
-Jericho told Kevin Kelly that E & C just plain "positively reeked". E & C jumped in. Jericho got his "Concerto". What a shocker, Jericho ends up on the ground in pain.
-Regal comes out in his suit. He's here for talkin', not for fightin'.
-He told the audience that one of his jobs as Commish was to bring "quality sports entertainment for the fans" (fire his ass then.)
-He said that Kane will be fighting alone tonight.
-He also said that he will fight Rikishi at Judgment Day. He called Rikishi "Sunshine". God Bless the Limey Brit.
-Big sign gets a closeup. It reads, "I BESMIRCHED REGAL" (no you did NOT, you jackoff)
-Brian Christopher has had ENOUGH of Regal... and he felt like dancing. So he killed two birds with one stone and danced out.
-He entered the ring and said, "YYYYO, YO, YO!! UPTIGHT WILLAAAAY" Oh NO, NO NO!!! WHERE'S THE DAMN REMOTE!!!! WHERE'S THE F-ING FAST FORWARD BUTTON????
-There were babes involved.... I am taking no chances ...
-Okay.... FINALLY.... Regal wraps up BC with the Regal Stretch. Really, this is wrestling's version of Eminem vs Elton John.
-backstage, Debra and Austin share a husband/wife moment. Austin assures his babycakes that she will never, EVER be involved in a car accident. (why? Did Bush order that all Oriental licenses are to be rescinded? BWAHAHAHAHAAAAA)
-BA-DUM-DUM
-Take my Concubine, please!
-Meanwhile, Chyna and Lita decide that they are ready. Chyna's wearing a ski cap. That's pretty hot.
-commercials
-Footage of the Rock talking to Stone Phillips on Dateline. The fakest Anchor in the world talking to the fakest Wrestler in the world on the worst News show in the world. The only question I have is how long did it take before the Rock lied through his teeth and said that he will NEVER leave professional wrestling for a movie career?
-Ivory and Molly Holly took on Chyna and Lita. Chyna let Lita do most of the work.... refusing a tag. Chyna stepped in long enough to break up a tag and give Ivory a cheap shot. Lita eventually won. Chyna raised her hand. Lita looked confused.
-backstage, Austin and Regal discussed the fairness of making Kane work a handicap match. Sarcasm dripped like honey from a Bee's bunghole. (I've been catching up on some old Blake stuff, cant'cha tell)
-TYGER TYGER BURNING BRIGHT!!! SEE THE TYGER VANISH INTO THE NIGHT!!!
-commercials
-Chyna tells Lita that she wanted to see if she was ready for their match on Sunday, that's why she let her do all the work. Lita believed her. Chyna also advised her to stay away from Eddie Guererro. Then she advised Michael Cole to stay away from Pat Patterson. (a voice off camera shouted, "I HEARD DAT!"
-footage of the UT running out of there. Hmm, maybe he's the one who shot Robert Blake's wife?
-At the WWF New York... something to do with racecars. I saw Driven five times.... that's more than enough of race car stuff for me.
-Stephanie and HHH discuss UT's wife's accident. HHH claims that she has "massive hemorrhaging" (hmm, maybe she got a little buttplay before her accident?) Austin and his wife chime in. Well, Austin does.
-commercials
-The Acolytes and Test fought The Goodfather, Bull, and The Big Show. The Heels won. I fell asleep earlier and now I'm REALLY running late.
-Kane told Cole that payback is a bitch and so is HE!!! (what???) Then he beat the living hell out of a small metal cage with his chain. The cage didn't sell. Throw the cage in the ring with Saturn.... ol' Perry will teach it a lesson or two about professionalism, by God.
-Coachman talked to Austin. Take a wild F-ing guess what he said.
-commercials
-HHH came out with the bride. The look on his face is nothing but snide. A cool Marvel villain is Mr. Hyde. I never met a Piper who was actually "pied". This might be the day that the Mop-Up officially died. My God, my ass is so wide.
-Austin came out.
-Kane came out.
-Quickly now....
-Kane took it to them. Austin fought back. Kane fought gamely. (put an "L" where the "G" is and it works just as well.)
-HHH took a pounding on the announce table. When no one is in the building, word is he is actually bent over the table during "practice".
-Double teaming ensued. NO!!! HOW DARE THEY!!!
-Ross, "Austin doesn't care about anyone! He only cares about being WWF champion!! nothing else!!!" (Jesus Jimbo.... THE GUY'S WIFE IS RIGHT BACKSTAGE!!!)
-HHH grabbed the chain and put it to use. Austin yelped, "NOT ME, YOU DICKHEAD!! HIM!!" HHH used the chain on Kane.
-The bell rang. That didn't stop them. It went on for a bit.
-Austin got on the stick and hinted that there maybe was no "accident", that the UT's wife was okay.... and it was all a scam. Sneaky bastard.
-The show ends.
Blech.... where's a good Nitro when you need it?
Very late.... must run. Quick closer.
Over the past few months, I had gathered together some bits and sketches for whenever Dillard decided to commit to the Edge again. Well, with Greg inches away from becoming a Survivor contestant, the Edge is gone. So....
I saved these for when we had Les Thatcher on. He's a Cincy promoter who's responsible for making those Brian Pillman Memorial cards.... and other things. He's also the guy who made that poor shnook, Rory Fox, go out to the ring as a paperboy on that MTV special.
It's not important for an Indy worker to have a gimmick, but it helps. So, with so few gimmicks out there that aren't either stupid or ripped off, I thought I'd give Les some suggestions. Since that's no longer viable, I'll just throw them out here and maybe some local promoter or indy worker will be inspired. You never know.
GIMMICK SUGGESTIONS! (oo, catchy title)
-Take a black worker. Give him two or three hot white blonde girls to come to the ring with him. Name the wrestler, "Orenthal Jay". After each match, win or lose, have him grab a rubber knife and chase the blondes out of the building in a rage. Call them "OJ AND THE NICOLES!"
-take an Italian looking guy, team him up with a fugly girl. After each match, win or lose, he and the girl stand in the ring. He runs backstage, claiming to have "forgot something". The lights go out. When they come back on, the girl is dead. He comes back and pretends to vomit. The guy's name... TONY BARRETTA
-okay, so much for the Hollywood scandal bits...
-Make a wrestler develop a lame French/Canadian accent. Give him feline designed tights. Have him start each match by cutting a nasty "editorial" promo on his opponent. Then the opponent beats the shit out of him. He keeps screaming, "IT WAS JUST AN EDITORIAL!!! IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE VIOLENT!!!" You can guess what his name would be.
-okay, I know... Thatcher wouldn't have gotten that one.
-Have a guy dress up as many known gimmicks. Fake Olympic Medals, a "Fire and Brimstone" mask. Strap an overlarge ducktail to his ass. Make him carry an Urn. Taped up nerd glasses. A red and yellow doorag. Stick every single old gimmick you can on him. Call him the GHOST OF WRESTLING PAST! The beauty is, each match, he can have a brand new get-up.
-Take a fat guy with impossibly styled hair. Say he is the long lost son of Vince McMahon. Have "Larry" McMahon spend each pre-match promo yelling at the people for not watching the XFL.
-Take a tall guy with a big nose. Put a big, black wig on him. Have him come to the ring with a chubby black girl who does nothing but laugh. Before each match, he grabs the mic, proclaims himself "King of All Wrestling", then calls his opponent and all the fans "rip-offs" of him. He can rag on all the shortcoming of his opponent and the fans. Call him "Harry Strerm" or something.
-"Emphysema Man". The gimmick is that he's a hard-core smoker. He smokes two butts just going down the aisle. Every time he gets hit, he rolls out of the ring and coughs up a load of brown gunk. He uses the gunk as a foreign object and spits the goo right in his opponent's face. KILLER Heel gimmick.
-Ax'l Greese. Take an older Indy wrestler. Put him in a wig of thick, long gray hair. Load him up with hairspray. Dress him up in spandex. Now he's a working the "80's hair band" gimmick.... now, for an added treat, have him speak like a young "wigger".... have this grandpa talk about being "off the hook" and "totally phat" and "yo, yo, yo" and "man, I'm down wit' dat... a'ight?" He'll sound just like Tommy Lee on MTV's Cribs. It would be HILARIOUS.
eh.... maybe it was better that the Edge is gone, huh?
Okay then. I'm splittsville, daddio. I'm gonna go take a drive up to the Canadian border, buy a Canadian flag and CRAP ON IT!!! CRAP, WIPE, THEN MAYBE JACK OFF INTO IT!!!!
Whackos. The lot of ya'
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